- Parent Category: Funstuff
- Created on 12 October 2006
- Last Updated on 25 August 2012
- Published on 12 October 2006
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WHISKY JOKES AND WHISKY QUOTES
(in English - Please notice that some people may find jokes or quotes offensive.)
Abraham Lincon: Tell me what brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.
Mark Twain: Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough.
Joel Rosenberg: I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.
whisky is risky but it makes the girls frisky.
Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your whisky.
Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health Canada's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
Pocket A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He then orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy :
"Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket.
" The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Parrot Takes Flight
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"
From the movie "A beautiful Mind"
(Big time hangover)
Officer i know the driver of the car that hit me.
His name is Johnnie Walker.
Recieved from Peter E Jeppesen. / Grønland.:
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A: What is the fastest way to get stoned ?
B: Whisky on the rocks.
How did you return from the whisky tasting at the pub yesterday ?
As lightning !
That fast ?
Nope - more or less like the shape - in ziq-zag !
A dude walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "I want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says : "Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 years old."
The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "Bartender, I do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !"
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs,
" Ah, now that's the real thing. "
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. :
"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."...
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah sure, now how old am I ?"
A man sits at a bar ordering double Whiskey all night. Every time the barman serves him a drink the man pours the drink all over his hand. The bar man is confused, but after all the guy's still paying for the drink. Eventually though the bar mans curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy why he's wasting all the booze. The guy replies: "I have to get my date drunk!"
Doctor I have a drinking problem !
- What is it ?
When I'm drinking whisky I have two hands but only one mouth.
This guy goes into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer and a whiskey, he takes a sip of Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. The monkey knocks back the whiskey. The guy then punches the monkey square in the face knocking it to the floor. The monkey gets up moves to the front of the guy, unzips his trousers and begins to perform oral sex on him, when finished the monkey slowly climes back on to the guys shoulder.
The Barman and another customer had been watching the whole event.
The barman then approaches the guy and asked him if can he have a go with his monkey. The guy says no problem and places the monkey on the barman's shoulder the barman sets up the drinks as before takes a sip of the Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. On finishing the whiskey the barman punches the monkey who proceeds to carry out the sexual act as before.
At this point the other customer comes forward and says in a shy embarrassed manner "Excuse me sir, but I have been watching you and your monkey, do you think it would be possible for me to try?" Once again being an obliging chap the guy says "No Problem" the customer then says "Great but there's just one condition," "What's that enquires the guy". The customer responds, "You must promise not to hit me as hard as you hit the monkey !"
Three mice are sitting and bragging:
-Mouse 1: "I can drink a hole glass of whisky"
-Mouse 2: "I can a bottle of whisky"
-Mouse 3: "So what - I'll go fuck the cat."
A guy is stranded on a desert isle, alone for 10 years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks, it's not a ship. The speck gets a little closer, and he thinks, it's not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, it's not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
She starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down to the front of her wet suit, and she says to him, "How long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a pool table in there!"
Between friends. (What would you rather be without ?)
- What would you rather be without if you should chose ? Whisky or a woman?
- It all depends on years / vintage !
The doctor said to my wife ... :
That she should stay away from whisky and alcohol.
Now she is asking for a divorce.
This woman goes into her local bar and orders a Whiskey but unusually decides to stand at the bar instead of taking her usual seat. The bar man asked her "What's up" "Oh nothing" she replied "Its just that I have had some tattoos done on my thighs and they are a bit sore still". "Interesting" says the bar man "what are the tattoos?" "Well one thigh has a Turkey and the other thigh has a Christmas tree". Thinking it unusual the bar man asked "Why?" "Simple" she replies" My husband is always complaining about having nothing nice to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas....."
If I drink half a bottle of whisky, is the bottle then half full or half empty ?
Don't know ? But you will be fully drunk.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He put the second worm into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Young Peter, who sits in the back of the classroom, raised his hand and responded, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."
The same young Peter grew up and became himself a teacher.
As a professor he stood with his class with a selection of items in front of him.
When the lecture began, he took a very large glass, filled it up with large stones, which was approx. 5 cm wide.
When the glass was full, he asked the students :
"Is the glass filled up now?"
Everyone agreed that it was.
The Professor Peter took some very small stones, and gently into the glass while he shakes it very carefully, causing the smaller stones to go in between the larger stones.
When the glass again was filled up to the edge he asked once more :
"Is the glass filled up now?"
Everyone agreed that it was filled up.
When the professor placed a bag with sand on the table the students laughs, of cause the professor could ad sand between the stones, and he filled it to the top.
"Now!" said the professor "Please imagine that this glass is your life!"
The large stones is the meaningful things in your life, family, girlfriend's etc.kids, your health etc. things that are important so no matter if you lose any values they will always be a part of your life.
The small stones are stuff not that important , like your job, house, car and the sand is everything else.
"Please notice ! If the glass is full of sand there will be no room for small and large stones. It's the same in life, if you use your time and energy on small stuff there will be no room for important and meaningful stuff.
Always focus on which things there is important for you, and your life will be great and happy.
Play with your kids , see the doctor, take care of your health. Date your partner there will always be time to work, clean up the house and smaller stones!"
"Fill up your life with large stones that really matters and are important. Check and arrange your large rocks and stones and keep in mind that the rest is only smaller stones and sand."
All the students can se the point !
The Professor now looks over the students and takes a glass of whisky, carefully he pours all the whisky between the sand, smaller and larger stones / rocks
Turns his head up again and says :
" And morale is! No matter what happens in your life there will always be room for whisky !"
Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
What is the difference between a battery and a whisky ?
A battery has a negative side.
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking whisky."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
You know you had to much whisky when :
You try to brush something of your shoulders and find out it's the floor,
You have to screw up one eye to see double
You wake up in the morning lying on the floor, because your dog licks you in the face, and then you think...
"I do not have no dog !"
HOW A MAN CAN IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her and go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW A WOMAN CAN IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked or Bring Whisky.
Why does the members of AWA not use ice in whisky ?
We forgot the recipe..
Taste / Palate :
Did you know that the human tongue can register 4 'tasteareas' : sweet, salt, sour and bitter, the rest of our sense of taste comes from combination of these four sense's, and from our sense of smell.
You're drinking to much Scotch !